Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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