FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
