Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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