Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
