He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
