I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
