Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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