She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
