I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
