i love accidental penises.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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