two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
