New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i believe in u and ur pee
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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