Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
