New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
