Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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