so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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