I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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