He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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