i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
