My hair reeks of homosexuality.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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