I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
