When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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