I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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