dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
