Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
