We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
