I feel like abortions should bother me more
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Ketchup is God's man juice
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
