Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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