i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
