Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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