At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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