i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
