I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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