I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
