in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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