The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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