Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
His nipple licking is glorious
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