did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
