I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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