people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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