I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
