I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
