so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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