he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
why is half of my head shaved?
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