YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
