I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
