I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
