Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
