Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
