actually, I'm a sock model
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
